It’s early Saturday afternoon. I have to capture my recent thought stream which came together into something cohesive just now. I got a visual this morning while journaling. I had been beating the shit out of myself with my thoughts and memories, dredging up every last shadow, in a concerted effort to find some self-forgiveness, which has led to deeper aspects of this sorta work I’d already thought I’d done. It has been somewhat excruciating. But, thankfully, I have the wherewithal to observe myself throughout and talk to myself a bit so that offset keeps me from wanting to jump.
Increased Awareness and Surrender
Some of the layered fragmented shards we are being shown are collective. As the light from the sun increases in intensity due to the weakening magnetic field of the earth, we are seeing more, feeling more. Awareness is increasing daily. Keeping this in mind…I keep turning to spirit in a kind of surrender, a shouting out… “what am I supposed to learn from this?” or “wtaf?” kind of prayer. The answers come elusively. If I am not paying attention, I miss them. Going on the elliptical machine and breaking a sweat, or going running or walking often helps me rattle what I might have missed loose. Throw a lil cannabis on the front end of the workout and it turns into a full-on psychotherapy sesh with the Lord. Which is what I did directly before I wrote all of dis down.
Childhood Reflections and Lens of Photography
So circling back to journaling, I had the visual image when writing down my dirty dawg mud-covered thoughts of late, of myself as a toddler, barely walking, or not even sure if it was me, but some kind of very young toddling child, covered in mud after fully experiencing the joys of dirt, of mud, of nature’s grime, rolling in it, digging in it, just wallowing, like a pig, I suppose. Then this child, who may or may not be me, came running up to an older parental version of me, or maybe just any adult, with eyes shining bright, flinging mud bunnies, dirt clumps, pieces of grass and sticks off as she runs, and the me/parent opening my/her arms and embracing this child, completely and fully! No holds barred! The mud and dirt are just more endearing and certainly noticeable but not a distraction at all from the love felt by parent and child. The light in the eyes of the mud-covered, dirty dawg child so bright, all else falls away. It was a beautiful visual, one I almost brushed off as just another cycling thought.
Reflections on Photography and Family Dynamics
So back on the elliptical, once I start to break a sweat and let go of obsessing over when the workout will be done, the deep observations and often awareness start blasting in up and around. Sometimes I have to stop and audibly note, record myself talking through what just beamed in. Today it was the word “lens”...as I let my mind wander over the events of the past 24, as sweat beaded up and the music played, I was reflecting on the pictures I’d recently taken and how often when I share these pictures, people see or experience them so uniquely and it’s really wonderful. Then I started thinking about my childhood and how much photography was a part of it…my dad was a professional photographer. It was a passion, a hobby and at times, a job. My parents were always taking pictures and my dad had a dark room, all kinds of different lenses and camera equipment that sometimes he’d attempt to explain to me.
Impact of Family Moves and Personal Insights
We moved frequently, six times before our final destination, in Northern CT, where my mother lives to this day. The experiences of living in different places, leaving our lives we’d worked hard to establish, behind, had a profound impact on all of our lives. I mean it was a hardship, for sure, mild compared to many childhood hardships, but it was also a gift. I started thinking about how my dad had early head trauma and wondered if this physical alteration of his brain structure and function had started to slowly change his aperture, the amount of light he was able to access, and how this affected his decision making over the years. He lost great jobs, he got great jobs, we moved, we made new friends, we left old friends, left our beloved homes, schools, churches, parks and yadda and repeatedly discovered new everythings.
Navigating Family Dynamics and Personal Growth
Dad could just about talk anyone into whatever he was selling/marketing and they would feel like they won the lottery if they’d buy in. It was genuine. If he was selling a product, he believed in it to his core. He was all about the truth, God…and Jesus as the embodiment of God in human form. Since he got knocked on his head, repeatedly, through an almost deadly injury while in the military, then as a talented football player, he was all in for Jesus Christ. Something broke through while he was in the hospital recovering from the paratrooper head trauma and he left the life path he was on and jumped deeply into studying esoteric Christianity and living by the golden rule.
So when people in the business arena dealt shady deals and treated people poorly, as happens most days in the “real world”, he couldn’t take it. He’d defend the underdogs in the company or somehow there’d be some issue related to integrity (this was my perception and possibly how he explained it also), he’d suddenly be without a job. He just could not make himself play. Or one could say, he became less and less responsible, more impulsive, used the shading of Christianity to hide under and call it all God’s will, and created a vortex where his family paid a high price for this lack of self-awareness. A different lens.
Acknowledging Complexity and Family Legacy
It was complicated, for a child, to try to make “sense” of this but a very deep part of me knew my dad was about truth, despite his mounting loss of aperture as the years past, accelerating significantly in his mid to late 50s (my age now) until his passing at age 69. I heard the stories from all the family members at his memorial service, using the lens of loss and keeping him glowing on the pedestal, but as time passed and my dear mother tried to pick up the pieces left behind by this man she loved and held in such white light for so long, there was a need to shift lenses for her, for a time. She had to see his crazy, his brain damage, to allow herself to forgive not only him but herself too, for not wanting to see it for so long. For standing firm in his defense, for sacrificing so much of her own power in an effort to stand as the fulcrum of the family, keeping his memory and his legacy intact and sacred and to see more of his mud. And I had to go through my own process of using the lens of acknowledging how he had also impacted me in ways that have taken years to unravel and integrate. We all had to see the mud.
Embracing Wholeness and Personal Transformation
He always had a camera with him everywhere he went, with a swank camera bag, lenses, tripods, and other equipment so he was ready on a dime, to put on a new lens, play with the F stops and let in the light in creative ways. Pulling through beautiful pictures, movies and creative productions.
How do I pull this narrative into the muddy glowing child vision? Well, I think we all were learning that we are always whole, in every now moment, no matter the dirt on the bod, the face, the proverbial “tires” of our physicality, how freaking messy and gritty and dirty we got slogging our way through this incarnation, we are always welcomed home with open arms, like that little muddy, dear child running to her parent with glee. We must always bear witness to the mud and remember we can use another lens for a while, as it helps us filter the light a little differently, open or close the aperture a little more, as is our birthright. B/c we ARE always whole and glowing and beautiful in the eyes of ….our higher selves, the universe, God, Jesus as the most powerful example of full embodiment of spirit, which is our mission and purpose in incarnating here on earth, in human form. We are ALL the muddy children. Change the lens, open the aperture, play with the F stops and keep on remembering you ARE the light!
Closing Reflection
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” - Gospel of Thomas
Comentarios