Connecting with a Tree
Ima gonna call this tree judgment. I was coming to the top of the steepest hill of this insane run which I felt compelled to endure. It's been quite a ride lately, with me and my body, and I swear, my resistance to pushing myself physically has been in my face like a beast.... Increasing in potency over the last year, taunting me, like "don’t you wanna give into yourself, sit down, not push yourself, nurse your wounds and sit in the shit?" Because physical exertion is one of the ways I “detox”, integrate, contemplate, meditate, so the resistance has been a bitch of a thing.
I have learned to just do it, allow no excuses, within reason, no matter what. No matter where I am or who I’m with, I push myself out the door in some sense, or to the elliptical or whatever equipment is available. I'd say 6 out of 7 days a week, I break a sweat. I wake up in the middle of these workouts lately and am like why is this sooooo hard?
It used to be easier to let go and flow, but wow, it takes more than half the run these days to finally let go and float. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s my diet, maybe it’s the crap they are spraying on us, some imbalance or who da feck knows… it’s something, but I actually think it’s intended. Yes. Intended. By the universe, God, the light, the shadow, etc.… so we are all becoming intensely aware of everything, of every little wrinkle, blemish, soft spot, issue, trauma, attachment, addiction, judgment. It’s all in our faces.
Perhaps this is just an amplification of the normal resistance we all feel before we do something that requires exertion of some sort, either physical, or otherwise, a call to pay attention to what we are “doing” with our energies, how we are engaging in the physicality, the incarnation.
So there I go up the hill… and everything was screaming. I know better than to take too seriously the thoughts that churn up during these uphill climbs, especially after what I just explained about the flashing neon lights of our awareness! Thoughts often get dark, sometimes ugly, shaded and shadowy, but I know they are driven by the physical exertion, the demands on the body! Churning up the gunk from the depths, all kinds of stuff down there that might not come up otherwise.
Up, up, up came the thoughts, and as I crested the hill, I looked over and saw this tree!! I stopped to take the picture, and it looked like whoa. Like what the actual f*** are you doing, girl? The expression I caught, the structure and angles, just were like… Hey, you there looking at me? I carried this intricate impression forward, as I ran… thinking about judgment. About
how I observe a lot of thought around judgment from the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning, I hear it. That man in the long black coat… a whisper of this or that related to how things should've could've would've been if I wasn't such a mess.
I mean, I know some of you will want to give me suggestions and tell me how y’all don't have this happen and how I’m attaching and subterfuging and yadda, but I feel compelled to share this… story about judgment. Me! Who makes videos and has said not to judge is, of course, the number one judger, and it’s subtle and it’s competitive, and I am forever grateful I have learned to observe it with respect and… like WOW… Look at you! In the same glance, I know that it is NOT me at all but just part of a costume I’m wearing. And I have many. It’s like the greatest vision, to be dropping the costumes on the floor, with a heavy thud, like firefighter gear. Boom. Down on the floor, and I’m high-stepping out of the rubble.
Back to the run, top of the hill… I even stopped to record my thoughts, and as my body recovered from the intense exertion of the uphill climb and I floated down the decline, I felt gratitude for that tree that jostled me. And the opening I allowed for this all to flow on through! Yes, I see the judgment tree, and thank you for reminding me. I am NOT that but I AM the human in physicality and have a choice now. Do I pick back up the costume of judger of all, to protect myself from the freedom on the other side? Or do I continue on, with a new awareness?
It’s such a draw to mark my territory with clear lines that protect me from the raw realness of the feels. Of fully engaging in life without the knee-jerk angst, torment and entire immersion in the taint. It ‘taint me or YOU. Fully embracing oneself, judgment reaper and all, and knowing that it’s all serving you, me, showing you, me, guiding you, me… to that point where enough is fecken enough! It’s too much to carry, these ways to wall off and protect us, and we finally shed it. Shed the shit. The density. The weight of it all that we think we are and our stories and our coats of armor, our firefighter gear, and drop it at our feet… walking on, peace in chaos, finding our own shelter in the storm despite it all.
Comments